Looking to give books that convey just the right “if only you had tried harder this year” vibe? The 100 Scope Notes Children’s Book Lump of Coal Gift Guide is for you.

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For a child who’s head over heels for complex interactions between physical systems:

The ABCs are overrated – bring on the umlauts! This is the stuff toddlers need to be introduced to.

For a child whose cat has too many toes:

I think we can now say with authority that there is indeed a book for everything.

For a child who thinks coloring books should be more disturbing:

“I thought Burnt Anguish was just the right color for this dilapidated house.”

For a child who likes puppies. Too much:

This book addresses an issue that really needs clearing up. What if dogs really are angels?

For a child with a beard:

My first thought: this is a novel? My second thought: actually, this might be awesome.

For a child with exceptional vision:

“This book is so small, sweetie, that you can’t even read it!”

For a child who requires too much information:

Not to be crass, but is that poop playing with dogs?

For a child who enjoys Australian dystopian action films, preferably starring Mel Gibson:

The image above, from the book Donkeyoti Gets Rough, Tough, and Buff, might be the oddest thing on this list. Mad Max?

For children everywhere, who demand to know:

The world has been patiently waiting.

Click here for the Librarian Lump of Coal Gift Guide

Enough nonsense! Be sure to visit these outstanding, useful children’s book gift guides:

MotherReader: 105 Ways to Give a Book

Abby (the) Librarian: Twelve Days of Giving

A Chair, A Fireplace, a Tea Cozy: Gift Giving Idea Roundup