Warning: The article you are about to read is fiction.

In an effort to streamline the book purchasing process for America’s parents, the Children’s Literature Commissioner announced today that books written by non-celebrity authors will be phased out by 2012.

In front of assembled members of the media, the Commissioner laid out plans for a “gradual but neccessary” elimination of books by authors who aren’t famous for acting, singing, playing a professional sport, or being related to someone famous.

Authors famous for being authors also “don’t count” and will be forced to stop writing within the next four years.

Quick to provide support for his decision, the Commish cited a long list of celebrity author qualifications including “the fact that everybody knows them” and, “the stories they write are so cute, yet have a clear message”. He went on to say that, “Americans need an easier way to choose books, and celebrities provide the instant name recognition that will help simplify their purchases.”

“I’m very happy”, said Pamela Ruperton, mother of three, after hearing the decision. “Some of these authors, I can’t even pronounce their names. Now Madonna, that’s a name I can say with confidence.”

In closing, the Commissioner said, “We don’t allow our children to talk to strangers, so why would we allow them to read books written by strangers?”